Assalamualaikum and Hi,
A year ago, something happened that broke me apart entirely. Long story short, I got left behind by someone who I truly loved and trust.
I tried to save this relationship. Maybe he tried too. But things ended between us. I have to respect the choices he made for himself. And I no longer want to fight for someone who doesn't choose me.
Of course it hurts because I was the one who got left behind. At that time, all I did was cried. I felt life was dark and I lose hope in everything. It was the most unexpected thing happened to me. Something that never crossed my mind. And the journey for me to heal myself is a very long process.
At first I hated him. I spend quite some time in hatred. I always questioned why he did this to me and how all these happened. I guessed it was because I didn't get any proper closure. Most of all, I hated myself most. I kept regretting everything, and wished I've made different choices before.
Nevertheless, this post is not about him or what he did to me. It is about me and how I went through this chapter.
Firstly I'm very fortunate because my family and friends were very supportive. They didn't encourage me to hate him or regret everything. They asked me to turn to God instead. I only do the latter. At that time Covid cases were rising so we had another lockdown. So I spend most of my time praying to God and reading Al Quran. Most of the time, I cried to God telling him everything I felt. I believe in all my life, during this heartbroken state I was the closest to God.
I didn't see anyone. I just stayed in my room. I didn't eat too because I didn't have appetite. But after I gained my appetite I decided not to eat too because it's a good time for me to diet lol. I lose 10kgs!
After a while, I started reading books. I pickup the theme about letting go (Read my reviews here). I wrote about my feelings in progress in my notebook for me to read someday. At this point, I know I will recover but I just don't know how and when. Other books that really helped were those written by Amal Nadiah (Read my reviews here)
In December, the border to cross state was opened again. I decided to go back to Kedah. Initially I wanted to spend 2 weeks only and will come back if the company started to operate from office again. But they didn't call until the day I resigned. I think I made the right decisions because I need my family most at this time.
I started blogging again. Before New year, I wrote in my notebook to fully let go and forget everything by March. But I failed because I still remember the pain, still unable to accept that his heart changed and mostly I was unable to forgive myself. During this time I have gained appetite to eat, started exercising and spend time with family. I also started reading books from different genres because I feel bored reading about letting go (this is a good sign). I started wearing contact lens too!
When Ramadhan came in April, I put my best effort to obtain the best from this holy month. After Ramadhan ended, the only thing left was I'm still unable to forgive myself. The pain and memories came once in a while but it was manageable.
I was quite busy in May because of Ramadhan and I decided to have a career change. Therefore, I applied for jobs and attended few interviews.
In June, I got offer from another company so I tendered my resignation. Since I only have one month at home, I utilized my time wisely with my family. I no longer have time to remember the pain or anything related to that.
I went back to Selangor in July. I was afraid I might struggle to forget again if I go back to the city where everything started but I was wrong. Luckily, the few days staying there turns out to be the time for me to really let go.
A month after I moved to my new place, I realized I have fully moved on - no longer remember the pain, or him and mostly, I no longer hate myself.
When you fully redha and grateful, God will grant you with many more gifts in life.
I have improved a lot as a person. I started wearing contact lenses, dress up femininely and I even wear high heels now! I started reading and again write consistently in my blog. I appreciate the little things in life. It gets a little bit lonely sometimes because now I'm living alone. But I know God has better plans for me. And I put my whole trust in him that things will get better from here.
Right now I have a job that I love with good environment, family who always be there for me, friends that supported me and I have Allah too. I'm so thankful for everything. I know He will give more.
It has been such a long journey for me to go this far.
A year ago, I thought life will be messed up for me. But it didn't. Life has become the best I ever had so far.
A year ago, I think I will remained in regrets forever. But it didn't. I am at a better place now.
A year ago, I think I will hate myself forever. But I didn't. Instead, I love myself most and have changed in so many ways to a better person and still improving.
A year ago, I think I will never love again. But now I'm ready to open my heart again when the right time and the right person come.
A year ago, I resented everything. But now I accepted this is just another phase of life. I believe this is part of God's plan for me.
It took me almost 10 months to completely heal myself. It's very hard to accept things that are not meant to be, but once I trust everything happens for a reason, I can accept things easily.
The truth is, I lose a person but I gained a lot more than what I lost. If this didn't happen to me, I might stay the way I am before until now, clipping my own wings to fly. Thus, I'm forever grateful for this heartbreak. Sometimes the best way for us to learn is through pain.
I also learn instead of hating, learn to forgive and let go. It's not for the other person but it's for yourself. The longer you held on to those, you will feel the greater pain. The person who hurt you is also a human that made mistakes. And human's heart can change in a a blink of eyes. Just learn to accept what is meant to be yours will find it's way, what doesn't will never be yours no matter how much you tried - in other words, Redha. Don't play victim because there's no right or wrong in things involving feelings. Move on and live your life happier than before.
Whatever happened in this life, will not last forever. The pain you felt today will dissappear, sooner or later. The pain can either break you or make you stronger. You choose.
Take your time to heal. Don't force yourself. You will be okay eventually.
When people said time heals, I kinda disagree. But when I was going through all this, yes time does heal. You just gotta trust the process. You will stumble and fall, but you too will rise again. I didn't expect it will only take less than 1 year for me to heal. It wasn't easy but it becomes easier because I choose myself. And I don't want to live with regrets anymore. All of us are humans who make mistakes. But we can learn from them.
Don't live your life dwelling on something you can't change. If one thing doesn't work, there are still million things for you to work on.
I always think life is purely black and white, but it's not because there will always be gray area in between. This chapter has taught me to be wiser - to trust your guts, put limit in your trust and expectations and most put yourself first before others.
We have a long journey of adventures ahead of us. Why would you let yourself live in despair and sorrow when you still have much more to achieve? You should be happier and the happiest. Because there's a lot of source of happiness out there - especially within yourself. Find that and all circumstances you have will feel small.
Seek guidance and strength from God. Because whatever you do, will only happens with His will. My mom always said find God and He will take care of everything for you.
Right now, I'm grateful beyond measure. Everyday I thanked God for everything He gave me. But I won't lie that the scar in my heart still remain. It's no longer wounded as before but it's still there. It will come once in a while just to remind you of what you've been through. Nevertheless, I know someday it will be gone.
Another thing I realized how I make progress is through the songs I listened. When it first happened, I listened to terribly heartbroken aka all the songs that can make you cry. But gradually it changed to songs about regretting. Now my songs genre has changed to normal music I used to listen too or motivating songs.
Ohhh and the closure I was seeking from him, I never get it. It took some time for me to realize, the closure that I need was from myself. When I fully accepted everything wholeheartedly, it's actually a beautiful closure I've been looking for.
Let go and let God.
Let's live to life to the fullest and be happy okay? You will see greater things in life Fighting!
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| Goodbye to my "If Only" chapter |
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| Fighting! |
Till then,
Adlina
