Assalamualaikum & Hi,
Today it was raining & I came across a song "The One that Got Away" which I've put in my Brokenhearted playlist on Spotify.
The weather & the song kind of reminds me of old pain. The one I already get rid of, but it will always made remember how far I went through when it came to my mind.
The day my heart was terribly broken, was on Tuesday, 29th September, exactly during my lunch break. When I got the news, I tried to hold my tears, but I just couldn't. I was talking through the phone with my client while tears flowing down my cheeks.
The pain felt like, it wasn't exactly pain, but more to dissapointment, because someone I really trust, love, been through ups & downs left me just like that - like I was so meaningless in his life & how a person can change in a blink of an eye. Until now I still didn't understand how & why it happened because I really didn't get a proper closure as I was left hanging in the dark.
When I reached home, I cried & keep crying until I felll asleep.
I am a person who will share happy stories only with my loved ones. All the painful things I will usually keep it on my own. But this kind of pain was something I couldn't keep. I didn't explode or get mad but I thought if I kept in on my own I'd be crazy. So I told my mom, & she's shocked too but she calmed me down. I kept telling how I felt to her, & although she definitely didn't understand, she listened. & then I slowly gradually told my family & best friends.
I want to share about my grieving process. I cried, I felt lost, I was on my own in the dark processing everything, I lost my appetite, & I lose weight. I think that's around 2 months.
After that I tried to stop the grieving, by forgetting, throwing away & not seeing anything related to my pain but each time I fell back into grieving again. At one point I just get along with my sorrrow, following whatever I felt, until I realized how stupid I was - wasting years with this person, & then another year of being sad while the another person lived happily, which I wouldn't interrupt, so why am I living like this?
Starting that day onwards, I never entertained my sadness again. I embraced all my dissapointments, but I never let it engulfed me until it affected me & stopped me from living happily, like really happy.
I have been growing so so much after I stopped grieving. There were days I wondered, what if I just move on without grieving? I never got the answers, but deep in my heart, I knew I will explode along the way if I didn't properly acknowledge my sorrow. So when the second time my heart was broken, it didn't hurt as much as the first one. & I left as soon I realized it's not worth it to be lied to. But I did grieved for a while before I moved on.
While writing this, I realized, grieving is actually my closure. Although I once listened to "The One that Got Away" 50 times per day, I eventually moved on & stopped listening to the song.
Like rainbow coming after the rain, life too will be colourful & bloom beautifully when you stop grieving 🌷🌈
You will become a completely different person than before, you will love yourself more than ever, & you will realize your worth so you never settle for less anymore.
So today, just grief as much as you want, cry as much as you want, be sad as long as you want, but promise me one day, you will stop feeling that way, because you deserve so much than this pain.
The roadd is soo wide & long for you to treasure & the pain is not the end. It's just the end of a road for you to move to a better place. You will make it through, trust me, because I did ❤️
Till then,
Adlina
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