Lucky to be you

Assalamualaikum & Hi,

I just finished a book today, the first one I finished reading this year! The book wasn't a sad book but it did triggered all sorts of emotions.

I had flu since few days ago & I cried for few hours today remembering a lot of things, reflecting on many things. I was thinking about many stuffs but one thing that crossed my mind was someone once said to me;

It's lucky to be you.

When she first said that, I was speechless & shocked because; 1) I wasn't that lucky & 2) I always had the same thoughts to other people too.

I asked her, "Why?"

She said, "You have everything. A good family, a career you're happy with & freedom of doing everything you wanted."

I replied, "it's not lucky. It took a lot of efforts to bring my family together, thorny journey to finally be where I am now & a lot of courage to be brave to do things alone".

"Yeah, at least you have yourself. I have to devote my life to my family, husband & kids". 

At that time, I just smiled and said to her she was a superwoman for being able to do all that.

But the reason I cried hard today (despite the book aftereffect) was because I remembered she said,

"At least you have yourself".

And it crossed my mind, it's not at least I have myself. 

It's I only have myself. 

Most of the time I'll be the only one with myself because I'm living 500km away from my family.

And that's the only person I can hold on to.

Myself. And only me. 

Then I cried harder because if I lose grip of this person, I'll lose everything. I had lost myself once for so many years but I only realized it at the peak of completely losing myself. I don't ever want to lose myself again because that pain was the most terrible feeling I've ever felt.

I sobbed my tears again when I remembered what I've been through with myself. 

I always had been tough & rough on myself. 

Sometimes I often didn't take good care of myself. I didn't drink much water, sleep early, exercise, and take good care of my skin. There were times I didn't eat properly, or didn't eat at all because I was busy with work until I lose appetite. There were times I cooked instant food instead of proper meals to make it quick. 

Sometimes I always make myself went through tough things. Because I was scared to drive, I searched for other alternatives like taking buses, trains & Grab. I loved all those, always, so much! But there were times when I arrived from my hometown to KL late night or very early mornings, I had to rush myself here & there. As a girl, it's also not safe to do that. I always feel scared but the only thing I could do was to keep praying God will keep me safe.

Sometimes, I loved others too much that I put myself aside, when I deserved so much more. I let love for others filled my heart until I couldn't let go until they eventually hurt me in the end. I almost lose myself because of this. It took me almost two years for me to find the person I lost for seven years.

Now I have learned to love myself & be happier with me. Of course sometimes I did neglect myself again as always, but I am improving over time. It's so nice when you're doing good things to yourself, giving yourself the care & the love you deserve ❤️ 

Perhaps one day, there will come a person who'll share my life with me but till that day comes, I'll be loving myself give myself the love I deserve (pray for me on this one!)

If nobody loves me, I'll love me, each and every broken pieces, I'll love them all. I'll cry for myself. I'll be happy for myself. And I'll always be strong for myself.

Because in the end, sooner or later all we have is ourselves. And God of course.

Moral of the story: we're all lucky in our lives in different ways. Sometimes we forgot to count our blessings when we're busy looking at other peoples' lives. 

Let's improve our lives if we feel we're lacking in a lot of things. But if there's nothing we can do, let's pray Allah will ease everything for us because doa is the most powerful thing in the world. Never underestimate the power of doa :)

Gratitude & efforts >>> luckkkkk

Ps: I really stopped crying after writing this post lol. Thanks for tuning in to my weekly rant!

Till then, 

Adlina.