3am thoughts

Assalamualaikum & Hi,

It's almost 3am while I was writing this and I couldn't sleep. Just finished eating Maggi Kari & had a long hot shower to refresh myself. I had a lot of things on my mind & here's the only safe space for me to rant.

Life has been both good & bad. The good part was fine. But the bad part was quite hard for me to digest. 

Few months ago, I met someone who's seemed fine too me. Of course I put boundaries & kept space for suspicious thoughts to be safe. However it turned out this person was lying to me. Things I have doubt for turned out to be correct. I was relieved that God showed me truth more feeling hurt. In fact I felt I wasn't hurt at all. I was just glad.

Unfortunately, few weeks after that, I was struck by thoughts that made me cried for days. It was, how could a person lied that way, especially to someone who's honest & sincere to open her heart? How could you fake yourself for someone who's ready to learn to accept you? How could you use someone to fill the empty spaces in your life while the other person wanted to make you a part of her life? How could you caused someone's light to be dimmed by decieving her? How..just how could you? 

It's be better to be rejected than being lied to because at least you're being true to yourself.

I never knew I was hurt until someone splurged to me about this which made me reflected on this. It was me who trusted people so easily and I wasn't careful enough. But how could I have mistrust people if I wanted to get to know them? I was in deep pain crying for days. The pain was not on the surface, but deeper at the bottom of my heart which I failed to see. I was told I was no longer on fire for work. My fire started to extinguish. I didn't show much passion at work. I realized that too. I noticed I just do things for the sake of doing it instead of being excited to learn like I always do. That's when I started to realized I should stop feeling whatever I was feeling because it could affect my current life. The last time I felt similarly this way, I moved to a new city, and that's something I didn't want to do.

As I was writing this, my tears just couldn't keep flowing. I couldn't contain the pain of keep meeting the wrong people. Despite everything that happened, I still have the courage to be brave to give chance to others. That's the something in me nobody could steal - perseverance. I kept telling myself whenever things didn't go my way, generally in all aspects in life;

"There's so many exciting adventures ahead you'll never see if you give up now"

I kept praying to God, please, please..lead me to people with sincere & honest heart with good intentions the way I have in my heart & mind. Now, I wanted to focus being my better self because you'll attract people with the same energy. I also need to find back my burning fire I used to have back then. I was one of diamonds of the season before, I have to be one again. Most importantly, I must learn to surrender my heart to God & accept whatever he has in store for me wholeheartedly.

No pain can't be cured, no heart can't be healed, no life can't be better - as long as you give a chance for it, no matter how hard & bad things you've faced. You'll appreciate the sweetness of success later :)

p/s: I really felt so much better after writing this. And it's 3am plus now so, I felt really sleepy already. Good night readers, sleep well. And please pray everything will be better for me. I wanted to glow & shine the way I always do :)

Till then,

The sappy Adlina.